Sheeple Magazine August Archive

CIA Trains New Operatives Who Can't Leaks Secrets to the Press

By Neashmw at 08/15/07 12:35

Zoo's aren't safe from monkeys anymore, since a 9-year-old white-faced capuchin monkey named Oliver has learned how to pick the locks that keep him in his cage. He escaped sometime this Monday morning and was found Tuesday, August 14 about 4 miles from the zoo in a yard apparently headed toward CIA headquarters in Langley, Virigina.

Tupelo Buffalo Park and Zoo manager Kirk Nemecheck says when they located the primate police were there to assist with the capture. When a man jumped onto Oliver he was bit in the hand but it was enough to hold the monkey long enough for its capture. Oliver was shortly returned to the Zoo and his cage was equiped with some extra locks and chains.

Could this monkey really have figured out how to pick the locks outside his cage all on his own? Or is this all part of the C.I.A.'s plan to train a supermonkey capable of breaking into top secret bases.