Sheeple Magazine August Archive

Mayor Michael R. Bloomberg has received numerous complaints on these Ugly birds. Animal rights activitists have protested all atempts to reduce the pigeon population claiminig they are cruel. We believe it's no coincidence that fourty-five parrots were mysteriously stolen from a pet store.

This is clearly not a simple burglary, but an elaborate scheme by Mayor Bloomberg to replace the disgusting pigeons in Central park with these tropical Parrots valued at more than $1000 each?

Now the NBA is questioning the integrity of games. The referee was very clean with his methods. Nothing was suspicious on what he was doing. He didn't call many fouls, but the ones he did were questionable. The NBA only found out from a tip from the FBI.

I just have one question for this referee. What could be going through your mind when you called bad fouls?

Tupelo Buffalo Park and Zoo manager Kirk Nemecheck says when they located the primate police were there to assist with the capture. When a man jumped onto Oliver he was bit in the hand but it was enough to hold the monkey long enough for its capture. Oliver was shortly returned to the Zoo and his cage was equiped with some extra locks and chains.

Could this monkey really have figured out how to pick the locks outside his cage all on his own? Or is this all part of the C.I.A.'s plan to train a supermonkey capable of breaking into top secret bases.

Thinking about decorating for a coworker's birthday? Why don't you put up all sorts of decorations in his or her cubicle? Consider balloons and streamers for every available surface. Some nice hats and noise makers would be a plus. Just try to decorate like a sheeple would. In case you don't know, that means go hog wild on decorating. Don't hold back.

So if Jeff's birthday is tomorrow, make sure he feels special on his special day. Make it so he can't even move around in his cubicle. Like I said, don't hold back with decorating.

As the two main contenders duke it out, it seems one is getting the upper hand on the other. The fighter in red lays out a huge haymaker on his opponent in blue to win the fight. Yahoo has become the number one portal on the internet.

Yahoo currently has much better customer satisfaction than Google does. More people are logging on to Yahoo for more of their daily needs. But some experts are predicting a new contender to come about. It seems Ask.com is rising through the ranks to become a heavyweight contender. But will it have enough to battle Yahoo?

And yet another unknown fighter is becoming better as well. GlobalSpec is the engineer's search engine of choice. Will these four battle it out for the top spot for all eternity? Only you can decide. Which search engine do you use?

Now how does all this heat get in the tail? Scientists believe that the squirrel somehow shifts more blood into the tail as it starts waving it. Not that much else is known about how the squirrel does that. But this isn't a reflex of the squirrel's either. They only seem to do it around gopher snakes. Scientists found this out when examining the squirrels through an infrared camera.

So take your pet squirrel out on walks more often. I bet you'll feel so much safer with your squirrel acting like a mongoose.

The wounded robber went right to the hospital, while his accomplices were arrested. All I have to say about this story is: Nice Shootin' Tex.

Recently at a fairground in northwestern Pennsylvania, a stange sight was beheld there. It seemed that Uruguay's flagship was circling the location. No one knows why it was there. Maybe it was extremely off course. Maybe a certain person I know of in Uruguay could tell me why it was there.

Could this be the result of more Microsoft world domination? I can not see how, for the most powerful man in Uruguay would not stand for it.