Sheeple Magazine August Archive

Tupelo Buffalo Park and Zoo manager Kirk Nemecheck says when they located the primate police were there to assist with the capture. When a man jumped onto Oliver he was bit in the hand but it was enough to hold the monkey long enough for its capture. Oliver was shortly returned to the Zoo and his cage was equiped with some extra locks and chains.

Could this monkey really have figured out how to pick the locks outside his cage all on his own? Or is this all part of the C.I.A.'s plan to train a supermonkey capable of breaking into top secret bases.

Secret sources within the White House report that the annual medical checkup for President Bush this year was very special. Unreported were the additional preoperative tests given.

Our secret source reports that President Bush is planning a covert operation so that his last act in Office will prevent Hilary Clinton from becoming the first women President.

In a few weeks President Bush will enter the hospital for a gender reorientation procedure. It should be completed for his final month in office as President of the United States.

This will result in George W. Bush being the first women President of the United States and prevent Hilary Clinton from attaining that title.

Our covert source who now claims to work for both the CIA and the White House says that the President was heard saying, "it's not about sexual orientation, it's politics, pure and simple."

Our sources from the Pentagon are worried that the change will also affect the Presidents demeanor and he will be unable to carry out aggressive military operations.